Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style