Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
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If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.