Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.