Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
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Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
How dramatic are you?
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT