I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
why no one uses midhusbands
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
X-tra spooky blend
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY