Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really