Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
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*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.