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Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
WTF IS THAT!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]