Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
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[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Me: how are you
Friday: good
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.