Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
You Might Also Like
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…