My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
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[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean