ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
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Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.