Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
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[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.