[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days