Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
💻🤡
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”