Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack