What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
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[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all