Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
nice challenge
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories