The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
john wicks are toilet candles
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.