“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
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*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.