If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
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ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.