Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can鈥檛 keep us apart, they can鈥檛 deny our love, you鈥檙e my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
I asked my brothers why they鈥檙e getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum馃槕
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
promising I won鈥檛 get too involved in my son鈥檚 little league game but it鈥檚 the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse