This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
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no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
listen closely
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
How actors in movies eat their food
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?