A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
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Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋