I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
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I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.