juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Probably my best painting.
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.