Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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I put the h in mysterious.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.