Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
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*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
In case you needed to hear it:
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?