When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
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Customer is always right
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)