[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
You Might Also Like
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
huge valentines day plans this year!!
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
choose your gary