The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
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What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I drew y’all a little something.
I missed you with all my darts
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.