Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
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My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Do one person every day that scares you.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
This classic never gets old . . .
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.