I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?