Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me