Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
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Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
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