[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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mood
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.