Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
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screw you
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
john wicks are toilet candles
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*