YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
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[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
I wanna be friends with this person
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
for all #parents out there
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?