Alexa, make me look good naked.
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ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.