funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
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Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence