Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
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Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.