“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
OKAY DAD
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down