Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
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Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.