Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
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A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Every. Damn. Time.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Wikigenius
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.