With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
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[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
#oldknees
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
The booster protects against what, now?
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.