If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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This is so me 😂😂
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?