V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
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I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.