In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I will never stop laughing at this