LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
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There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”