[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
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My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing